Broken
by ozchild1983
Summary: Set after "Coda" Janeway has an emotion reaction for feeling like she has lost her father all over again.


**This takes place after the episode "Coda". I know that everyone writes stories about Lake George, but I wanted to explore some of the "emotional ramifications" that Kathryn Talked about in her final log entry from that episode! This should be short and sweet for the most part.**

 **Please Read and Review!**

 **I don't own these characters, the show or anything about Star Trek! Don't I wish I did...**

Kathryn Janeway took a deep breath and keyed in the code to open the holideck doors. She was surprised at how nervous she felt, it wasn't as if this was the first time she and Chakotay had gone on a "date." Or, what ever this actually was.

She walked through the trees and inhaled. The cool mist that surrounded Lake George entered her nostrils and cooled her aching heart and brain. She shook her head trying to get the memories of her father to exit her tormented brain. She smoothed her sleeves down over her arms and stepped gingerly down onto the dock. A small white sail boat was tethered there, bobbing gently against the water. Just as she was about to board the boat she heard the Holieck door swish open. She turned allowing a slightly nervous, yet genuine, smile to float across her lips. Chakotay entered the holideck and walked towards her. He wore soft tan pants and a white shirt held together by a belt that fit him well. When Kathryn saw him she couldn't help allowing her brain to travel back to their time on new earth. A slight pang of sadness hit her and she pushed it back behind her mask."

"Kathryn." he said, his voice soft and sweet.

She smiled back. "Hello Chakotay." She said her voice slightly more raspy then normal.

"You look beautiful Kathryn."

She felt a blush creep into her cheeks and looked down, starring at her shoes. " _Say something_." Her brain demanded. "Thank you" her voice sounded weaker then she would have like and she cleared her throat.

Chakotay noticed how her voice sounded, though she was smiling, he saw the hurt and brokenness in her eyes and wanted badly to comfort her but knew that would only come later after she allowed her captains mask to fall, if at all.

"Well, lets get going." she said, changing the subject.

He climbed onto the boat and offered his hand so that she could climb in. she took it and allowed his warm light to encompass her for a moment. The warmth pushed away the bricks that seemed to have taken up residence on her chest for a moment, though she knew that they would be back.

She walked to the front of the boat still clinging slightly to his hand, she released him to untie the ropes and immediately felt the coolness of the evening return to her. It reminded her of how cold she had felt when she was in the presents of the alien that claimed to be her father, and tried again to push away the memory.

Chakotay noticed the tremor that spread over Kathryn's arm and very gently reached out putting his hand on her arm "Kathryn." He whispered hoping not to frighten her more "Are you alright?"

Kathryn felt the emotions rising in her chest and closed her eyes against the hot tears that pricked against the back of her eyes. "Im fine." she responded, pulling away slightly.

Understanding that Kathryn was not going to open up until she was good and ready, Chakotay smiled softly and went to stand at the bow of the boat while she opened the sail and stowed the ropes. Once the boat began moving Kathryn came to stand next to him.

They ate dinner and had easy conversation as they sailed. The hours passed quickly and soon they found themselves sitting closely on the warm wooden deck The boat rocking them gently. the comfortable silence stretched in front of them like a long country road. She exhaled and looked down at her hands. "I miss him..." She whispered, swallowing hard.

Chakotay turned to her, and noticed her slumped shoulders, and slightly erratic breathing. "Your father?" He asked but it sounded more like an answer.

She nodded. Still trying unsuccessfully to control her emotions. The tears were back too needling at the back of her eyes. She blinked furiously trying to get them to retreat. Chakotay reached out and gently took her hand. He didn't say anything but hoped that his presence was enough to encourage her to keep talking and know that it was ok to express her pain in front of him.

"I have so much I wanted to tell him." She took another shaky breath. "When I first say him, I though "Now I can tell him all of these things..." a sob came up from her throat and she swallowed it back down, but wasn't fast enough to stop two salty tears that rushed passed her barriers and made their way down her cheek. She wiped the left cheek with her left hand and squeezed Chakotay's hand with her right. A deep blush of embarrassment creeping into her cheeks.

"Go on Kathryn." Chakotay urged. "It's alright. Im the only one here you don't need to be embarrassed."

She glanced up, and after so long he finally saw Kathryn again and not the captain. Her fear and venerability came rushing towards him, and he reached out stroked her still moist cheek. "What did you want to tell him?" he whispered.

Her eyes immediately flied with tears and she started shaking slightly. "I wanted to tell him...That...I'm proud of him..." Her voice shook, her sentence breaking slightly with her determination to continue what she wanted to say. "That I..." The tears started to fall quickly, washing over Chakotay's thumb. "miss him." she bit down hard on her lip until she though it might start bleeding "That I..." a small sob escaped and the pressure on her chest became nearly unbearable. "That I..." she started again, almost unable to form the final words. "That I love him.' She let her face fall into her hands.

And to Chakotay's surprise he heard no sobs, it was in that moment that he realized that Kathryn's fear was still very evident and that somehow sho needed his permission to fully let go. He wrapped his arms around her, pushing the hair around her ear out of the way whispered. "It's ok, Kathryn...Let go."

As soon as the final word left his lips, the captain's mask fell and she disintegrate into his ams. Her whole body shook and the most sorrowful sobs that he thought he had ever heard began to violently exit her body. She clung to him and her sobs came so quickly that he worried she would hyperventilate. She cried so hard that Chakotay actually wondered if she might topple the boat with the force of the pain exiting her body. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if this was the first time she had let her self cry about her father's death. He imagined that she had never allowed herself any emotional reaction to their situation on voyager. He cradled her for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually her sobs turned into occasional hiccups and then finally stopped. She set up slowly wiping her eyes self consciously.

"I'm sorry Chakotay." she said. Her voice scratchy and sad. He could almost hear her modification. "I shouldn't have done that...I'm..."

"Hey." he said lifting her chin. "Don't apologize for that. I know you fancy yourself to be a Vulcan Kathryn, but you're not, your human and you need to allow yourself to express your emotions...It's not good for you to keep all of this locked up."

She nodded. "Well if tonight is any indication, I think you are probably right. I feel like I've been run over by a klingon battle cruiser."

Chakotay chuckled. "I think u better get to bed." he said rising and pulling her to her feet. They tied up the boat and made their way out of the hollideck doors. They walked back to their shared hallway, and Chakotay pulled Kathryn's hand gently she turned and looked at him. " Kathryn, I am here when ever you need me to make your burden lighter..."

She smiled. And walked into her quarters.

THE END


End file.
